I feel embarrassed that I'm still living paycheck to paycheck- and the truth is, that's my current reality.

So when I crashed my bike and fractured my neck--- (and then tough girled through that healing without realizing it was even broken, until an intimate kinky experience of hair pulling strained the zygapophyseal (facet) joints, and then dancing like a wild woman ontop of all that, caused me to screech to an excruciating stop) ---it really threw a wrench in my ability to provide for myself.

And apparently i have a kink for suffering alone, because i've dipped into deep isolation and pretending that I've got this... when what's true is that I'm barely hangin on. The foundations of my structures are crumbling. I'm experiencing ego death after ego death, getting to see all the parts of me that thought she had it together... until now.

This initiation has debilitated me to the level of walking at an elderly gingerly pace to avoid shooting nerve pain, sleeping flat on my back (which is torture for a side sleeper), no dancing (ohhh the horror!), and no longer offering thai massage (no high paying clients).

My soul feels squished.

My heart feels broken.

I've cried so many tears of grief it must be coming from a reservoir deep inside my soul that's been stored for many lifetimes.

Deep. Heavy. Scary. Alone...

But I'm not alone- and that's ultimately the most bittersweet medicine of this injury.

After weeks of stubbornly refusing to ask for financial support, enough layers of my ego have cracked open to reveal the level of humility required to be here and now, requesting support. I need help paying my bills yall. In the last 6 months, I've been expanding my life, my business, my offerings, my capacity to hold more, and therefore my life costs more than it ever has.

Every month I make it happen. This year I had my biggest earning day, and then my second biggest earning day... I am in expansion, and that feels really exciting, until the ultimate ego check realization that although I'm expanding, I am still operating from paycheck to paycheck land... which really doesn't work when all of the sudden I cannot work.

So I did my best to shift my offerings to continue to be in service in ways that require less of my body, but energy doesn't lie, and the clients that I typically serve can feel my desperation, which is a huge turn OFF... And the income has come to a halt.

I am now in a moment of deep humility, realizing that I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.

And I'm finally ready to listen to the advice of my therapist and many of my friends, that it's time to stop pretending to be a tough girl, activate my brave girl, and reach out and ask for what I need.

~~~I need help paying my bills~~~

I am praying to be able to offer high level tantric thai massage journeys again (which is currently my highest offering) by May... But for now, I get to focus on my healing so that I can restabilize my health and serve from a strong place of wholeness.

And that means that my bills from March, April & May need some fluffing.

This is how much my bills for 3 months are: 5500.

I feel humbled and so grateful your contributions in this way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for offering what you can to support me and my healing.

I'm committed to integrating the lessons that I'm learning in this healing portal so that I may show up in service in bigger and better ways, from here on out.

I love you.