Hi, my name is Hannah. I’m writing this because I am at the edge of what I can endure, and I need help.

I have been battling severe, complex, and life-altering illness for over a decade, including debilitating full body chronic pain, fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, non-epileptic seizures, anorexia, trauma and PTSD, all of which come with a host of severe neurological and physical impairments/symptoms. Many of these are considered “invisible illnesses”, which lead to great difficulty in getting proper treatment. Often, and certainly in my case, it leads down a long and bumpy road of misdiagnoses and getting the wrong kind of treatment (which either lead nowhere or make things much worse, leaving me more impaired and more financially strained and in debt). This is the case for so many people who struggle with chronic illnesses and it has definitely been my experience as well.

I’m a very self motivated person, naturally hard working, motivated, and passionate. I’m not one to sit back and succumb to life or illness, I am someone who fights and tries and gives everything they have to everything they do. Which is in part what has led me to getting so sick in the first place. I’ve hunted and chased down treatments and a path to health and healing through so many different modalities, medical, holistic, mental health, and otherwise. You name it, I’ve tried it. And through all of this trying I’ve dealt with severe, debilitating symptoms that have left me less and less able to function in the world and every day life, but holding on to life with everything I have because I know deep down there has to be a better version of this life.

I’ve almost given up so many times, but something in me keeps pushing on. I’m grateful for that part of myself, but I am also now worse than I have ever been, and running out of hope and stamina. I’m completely housebound, mostly unable to leave my room, to move my body normally, to tolerate light or sound or touch, to hold a conversation for more than a few minutes, to do basic acts to take care of myself. I am terrified. I feel like I’m disappearing inside my own body, which has totally shut down and fights me at every turn. Despite all this, I’m still fighting. I want to live. I want to heal. I want my life back. I choose to get up and try every day and I continue to try every second of every day. I have a lot of tools to cope at this point, but coping and just surviving isn’t enough. I have lost everything that I am. My functionality, my sense of self, my ability to feel any kind of pleasure, to have relationships, to work, to just eat and shower and move and breathe fresh air and even think, as the cognitive symptoms of brain fog, dissociation, DPDR, fatigue are so intense (it’s taken me months to write this, and I had to get a lot of help to do it).

I’ve been in this illness for ten years now. In this time I have done all I can to figure out what it going on, why this happening, and what I can possibly do about it. Like I said, I’ve done a lot of things to try to heal. But here I am, worse than ever, and in this state of being so debilitated and able to do nothing with myself but research when I can manage it, I finally know exactly what is going on, what is responsible for all of my symptoms and diagnoses and why I am still so unwell. The problem being that my nervous system is severely dysregulated.

I realize that if you aren’t familiar with the central nervous system and disorder associated with it, this may not seem that impactful. But the nervous system controls every single other system in the body. All of them. So if the nervous system is dysregulated, especially to the degree it is for me and others who go through CFS or other chronic illnesses related to this, every other system in the body is going to be severely impacted or even totally shut down.

However, even in knowing the problem, I don’t have any financial means left due to being unable to work for so long (try as I might) and spending everything I have and more on treatments to help me back before I knew what was really going on. So I have been trying to go it alone for the last couple of years, in total isolation and being so debilitated, to use the tools I can from the free research I have done for so long. I now know this illness inside and out. But I can’t keep going on my own anymore. I have been trying so hard for so long, and I just need more support and more help in getting myself to recovery. I can’t support myself in doing it anymore. This brings me to the purpose of this fundraiser, which is to access one of two treatment options that I’ve found through extremely thorough research and know without a doubt, from all that I’ve learned, will get me not only my health and functionality, but my life and myself back. But I need the support these options can provide. I’m just at the point that I can’t keep pushing, I can’t hold on, I can’t just exist anymore. I am beyond my limits and I need help so badly.

One of the options is a residential treatment center, the only one I’ve found that really can give the kind of support I need on a physical and emotional level to really recover. And the other is an online CFS recovery program that has helped thousands of people in my shoes (or even worse) get back to full health and life. I didn’t choose these things randomly. I’ve spent months and so much time and research figuring out how they can help me and why they would be right for me and my situation. I’ve narrowed them down from dozens of options both in person and online. I know they will work. And I know with that kind of support, I can finally access what is needed to get better and heal from this which has consumed my life since I was 14 years old. Either option is going to be $8,000-$12,000. However I made my goal higher because I will still have other costs in the meantime, including past medical debts, housing, and any other appointments needed to support my recovery, as there are physical impairments that have happened as a result of the damage done to my body while I’ve been in this chronically stressed and ill state that need to be addressed (such as chiropractic and physical therapy, as the vertebrae in my neck are extremely stressed and compressed and my c1 vertebrae is out of alignment, which I have to see a specific kind of chiropractor for that isn’t covered by insurance).

I’m confident that if I can access these treatments, I will start progressing and get to the point that I can start making money online at least in small increments and start rebuilding my ability to financially support myself. I would not be doing this forever. Believe me, I am naturally very independent and have a lot of guilt and shame around accepting money from others. It does not at all come easily to me to ask for this. But I know I can’t get there on my own, and I no longer have any other choice.

So I’m making my plea to you now to help me in any way you can. Please help me get the treatment I need to build my health and my life, from baby steps to full recovery. I really need your support. In fact, my life now depends on it. So anything you might be able to donate, or even just sharing this campaign to your community, any act of support you can give to me in this, is so deeply appreciated. Honestly, I’m grateful beyond words for anything you can do. I just can’t do this alone anymore, and I’m so sick of being so sick, of not being abe to care for myself, to even go outside, to be a person in the world. I don’t feel human anymore. I honestly don’t remember what it feels like to feel like a person and human and alive. And I would do anything to get there.

Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to read all of this. It really means everything to me that you see me and see my story and, even if you have nothing to give in the way of money, to just know there are people who are empathizing with me, holding space for me, sending encouraging thoughts or prayers my way. I appreciate all of it. And I deeply hope that I can get the help I need and feel the benefit of your support, and to pay it forward a thousand-fold.

My very best wishes to everyone out there who comes across this,

Hannah