Hello. My name is Benjamin, and I am trying to start my own livestream business.

I've lived with fear almost all of my life. Sometimes I can't see past it. Despite that, asking you for help may be the most frightening thing I've ever done. I grew up learning to keep quiet and put my head down and suck it up. Enough is enough, and it's time to stand on my own two feet. But I'm having a hard time, and I need your help.

No good deed goes unpunished.

After 40+ years of deferring my hopes and dreams to help others, It's now time for me to take destiny into my own hands. But years of sacrifice have left me with almost nothing. I was living paycheck to paycheck, struggling with bills, groceries, medical expenses, insurance payments. At one point, I was working a job to pay off a car that I needed to get to said job! 

My life has been a seemingly unending string of challenges. You may be thinking, "Well duh, that's how any of us get through life." And I don't deny that. I'm no stranger to hard work. And my barriers, while challenging, have been surmountable... but overcoming them just turns into a Pyrrhic victory.  Over time, the popular saying above became a mantra to me; the perfect summary of all the negativity and toxicity that I absorbed and pushed down and ignored and let fester.

2020: Watershed, or washout?

I have particular challenges that in the past couple of years have become too debilitating to ignore. While my wife spent 2020 in a hospital awaiting organ replacement, heart AND bowel surgery, I was at home hundreds of miles away wondering if I was ever going to see her again. She's fine now, but the consequences of that fear, coupled with years of stress and anxiety have left me almost a shell of a man.

At the same time, my poor eating habits and self neglect have taken its toll on my body. I was diagnosed with Hypertension, Diabetes, and Gout. An unfortunate injury to my head has left me with Tinnitus so loud, I pretty much make everyone repat what they just said. I tried my best to carry on, take my pills and forge ahead; in other words, I swept it under the rug. But earlier this year my job, which I loved dearly, became impossible to do effectively. And so I was let go with a decent severance, which was supposed to give me enough time to figure things out.

Not just a river in Egypt.

But it became clear that I was deep in denial about a bigger problem. I gave so much of myself that the little time I had left was spent playing video games and getting lost in my own little world. Apathy began to sink in, and soon I found myself wasting my life away. I was letting my own lack of confidence steal the time that I could be spending actually enjoying life with the ones I love, and not just surviving it on the sidelines.

I'm beginning to claw my way out of this hole I'd dug for myself, but I don't think I can do it alone. I've tapped out my friends and family all these years, and to be honest they just don't see the value in what it is that I want to do now. They think I should once again "suck it up," and become a wage slave somewhere. Yes, despite knowing about my physical issues and debilitations, I should just find something. Well I have, and it was staring at me in the face this whole time.

How do I make a living doing what I love?

Livestreaming is just so obvious, but I let myself be convinced that it wasn't worth investing energy, time, and money into. That I wasn't worth investing in. But let's face it, I've been playing games since I was a kid, from Atari to Nintendo to XBox. I'm pretty good at it. People seem to think I'm funny, and more often than not I can elicit a few laughs from a crowd. So I can be entertaining as well.

The concept of livestreaming began in the early '90s and grew over time in the next couple of decades. It involves broadcasting live across the internet to viewers who may be interested in your subject matter, be it playing the latest games, or cooking delicious vegan meals on a budget, even just sitting and chatting with your viewers who can comment on your feed in real time.

Since the Covid-19 pandemic, Livestreaming has exploded in popularity for both broadcasters and viewers more than ever. And while many would argue that the field has become saturated, it's only going to get bigger. Even churches are getting in on the action!

A constant reminder

The Downward Samsara is my dream. A dream decades in the making. The name is a reference to “The Downward Spiral,” Nine Inch Nails' second studio release from 1994. Samsara refers to the Buddhist cycle of life, death, and reincarnation. Basically, it is a reference to a life not lived well, and serves as a personal reminder for myself to strive to be a better person than I was the day before. To swim against all that would pull me under.

And there's a whole lot more to this project than simply letting others watch me play games all day, I want to incorporate other formats into my lineup, such as:

• Healthy cooking instruction, especially for diabetics and sufferers of gout
• Inspire others to create art by creating my own
• Share stories, either written by me or viewer submitted
• On site restaurant reviews
• Discuss topical issues affecting us today
• Reactions and critiques of film, TV, videos, and music
• Special performances and collaborations for meaningful charities
• And so much more...

This list barely scratches the surface, and I have so much to do in so little time in order to get this project up and running as soon as possible. To that end, I am asking for $5,000 so that I can acquire the tools necessary to succeed in this insanely fast growing field of online entertainment.

• $2500 for a PC with a decent graphics card and a beefy CPU powerful enough to handle the demands of broadcasting over the internet.
• $800 for additional hardware (monitor, inputs, external media storage, battery backup)
• $300 USD for audio (microphone, headphones, acoustics) and video (camera, lighting) equipment.
• Additional expenses, such as paid software, art commissions, props, LLC setup, regulatory fees, and insurance.
• A little extra to hopefully upgrade the equipment I do have, plus some grocery and medication money.

I have tried to strike a balance between budget and performance. Most of the equipment I have priced out meets the minimum requirements for streaming. Some of it is the industry standard, like the webcam. So far, I've priced out what I need. Next steps are acquisition and setting up the business and its accounts. 

I know I can do this. And while I'm asking a pretty big request while others who are in much more dire situations than I am, I think that there's a little bit out there for me too. I just want the opportunity to do for myself and give back so much more. Sometimes, we need a little nudge in the right direction. Sometimes we need a bigger one.

And what about that pessimistic worldview that I espoused earlier in regards to good deeds? Almost sounds hypocritical to say something like that before I beg for opportunities. Well, it's taken a lot of time, and a lot of self reflection, but a new, more positive mindset has taken shape in my head. And while I am not a follower, I do take heart in a quote by Buddha that reads: 

“Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.”

Thank you all for your support in whatever form it may take.