I left an extremely abusive relationship last October. My abuser was arrested after he attacked me, held me against my will and threatened me with a knife. He was charge with seven felonies but only locked up for five days. After he was bonded out, he then an hour later filed a fictitious PFA againt me and it was granted. How that would even be allowed, I have no idea. He has a friend that works for the Department of Corrections as a Pretrial probation officer that took him to file. His own personal liaison to walk him through the system and punish me for leaving him and saying what he did. What he had been doing for months. It increased after he relapsed. Stalking me, trying to blackmail me, threatening to harm myself and my family and threatening to SA me. There was constant name calling, holding me down, intimidating me. And even more awful things that I don't know if I will ever say out loud.

At the time of his arrest I was renting an overpriced dilapidated cottage from his mother. This woman knows he's abusive. He's done it to her. She with the help of the probation officer friend again, filed an emergency eviction against me that was slanderous and untrue, with no proof. It was granted for her. And which I'm sure will be problematic for me finding a rental in the future. I was leaving, I didn't want to remain there. I just needed a little time and compassion. Especially from a women, who knew the truth.

My daughter and I had no place to go, we were going to be homeless. As I was packing up our life with such uncertainty, he started draining my bank account with multiple Amazon purchases. I made the grave mistake of reaching out to what I thought was a neutral party of ours instead of the authorities. I was still stuck in his control even with no contact and still very much afraid of him. Still am. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he may not have been aware of the charges. I explained to the friend about the situation in hopes he could help correct the situation. He seemed understanding of my concern. Three words out of a sentence, "Please tell Dustin", was all it took to send my life even further into despair. My ex contacted the police to tell them I contacted his friend about him stealing my own money. Apparently that is considered third party contact and a violation of his bogus PFA. I tried to explain I didn't know what I done was wrong. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I hardly even remember that week. It didn't matter. I had to turn myself into the police station, where I was arrested. My $1,000 dollar bail was not processed in time and I was sent to prison. The day before my daughter's birthday. I was released the next morning after payment processed. I thought that was as low as I could feel. It was a horrific and shameful experience. I still managed to have her birthday party, with no one knowing the emotional torment I was in.

Despite his sadistic best efforts the charges were dropped against me. But the damage had been done. To my mental health and my financial well being. I am currently living in an old RV with no running water with our darling dog( I don't think I could have survive this without him) Showering at the gym or friends. Lacking food at times. A cycle of forced poverty.

I made the difficult but right decision to send my daughter to live full time with her grandmother and my ex husband until I found us housing. I have never been away from her in 12 years. I couldn't fathom have her living in these conditions. I cry everyday for her. I get to see her only a couple times a week.

I see a trauma therapist once a week. I have panic attacks often from severe PTSD. I think about his promise to unalive me despite my best efforts not to. The fear remains. It will be a slow recovery to undo it all and sadly I'm forever changed. I know this. Not just from him but from the system that failed me.

I have been working two jobs up until recently. I kept getting sicker and sicker. Weaker and weaker. Hospital after hospital. I thought that all the mental anguish of the past year had finally caught up with me. And it has but I was recently diagnosed with mold toxicity due to my current dwelling, along with an autoimmune disease. More doctors and more tests to come.

I need me back, I need my daughter back, our life. I'm sad to say that I fain joy and happiness, even with her most times. With friends. I feel so broken. I do not know this person I've become.

I need help. I'm going to be out of work for several weeks or more and unfortunately had to give up one of my jobs. I've never done anything like this before. I always figure it out. My independence and perseverance were something I have admired about myself. Some days I don't know how I can go on. Especially living in an environment that is just keeping me sick. But I will because of her. I will to get back to me. I want to be better, feel safe. Have a home with her again. When I am restored to best of my ability my desire is to advocate for other women. The ones dismissed or not believed. The ones told to be silent and carry it all alone. Laws need to be changed. To hold those accountable who harm. Force the courts to recognize how harmful coercive control is. To make it a crime in all states. To recognize the patterns of post seperation abuse. I'm just one person but with a similar story of so many others that the judicial system has abandoned and betrayed.

I need to find housing for my daughter and I so we can rebuild what someone else broke. I have burned through my savings trying to survive a life I shouldn't of had to

This is the first time I've ever spoke about this publicly. I haven't been able to. We are conditioned to hold our abusers shame. I will not any longer. I just need a chance. I appreciate anyone reading this and letting me have a voice and try to start to heal. I could never find the words for such appreciation. Especially when so many are suffering financial hardship. So I'll just say thank you.

He might have dimmed my light, but he doesn't get to keep it.