Hello family and friends, as many of you know, my mom passed when I was itty bitty and my dad remarried when I was 7.  I was homeschooled for my entire life and raised very orthodox Catholic. I played piano and soccer, participated in youth group, sang at church, did all kinds of crafts, and went to the amusement park on a regular basis. I started dating a wonderful guy and moved out when I was 18.  I adopted a cat, started working at the zoo, and here I am at 21.

But like every tale worth telling, there's a lot of story between those lines.  There are countless hours of trying and failing to complete simple tasks.  Feelings of inadequacy and lost friendships.  Feeling so hurt but being unable to cry.  Unbearable loneliness.  Waking up from realistic nightmares just to feel like the real nightmare was about to begin.  Panic attacks lasting for days and unbearable depressive spells that I could've sworn there was no way out of.  Self injury and hospital visits.  Selfish doctors who pushed meds and tests that were mildly helpful at best and devastating at worst, all the while completely ignoring the real issues I faced.  Therapist after therapist who just looked at me and said “what next?” when I had no idea what was next and was crying out for their help.  

After years of fighting the system I finally found some really caring healthcare and mental healthcare providers and have hope for the first time in years.  I was diagnosed with severe recurrent depression and complex PTSD, and now that I truly know what's going on I can take real action to save my life from these debilitating conditions.  After a ton of research and many discussions with my healthcare team I am going to get a service dog!  For those of you who may not know, service dogs can be trained to help with a wide range of disabilities, and the thing that makes them distinct from pets or emotional support animals is that their handler has a disability, the animal has been extensively trained in public access, and the dog is trained to performs tasks to directly related to their human's disability in order to mitigate it.  

With my four legged partner I hope to finally be able to reclaim my life from my mental illnesses.  When I'm at work and start bouncing my leg or picking at my skin (some of my subconscious anxious tics and among the first signs that I will have an episode) my dog will paw me or nudge me, helping to break my downward spiral and redirect those movements to something calming and grounding, like petting them.  Something as simple as this interruption task can be enough to stop what might otherwise have turned into a full blown panic attack with hyperventilation and causing me to leave work early.  When I go to the grocery store or out to dinner and the bright lights and constant noise in the background cause me to lose touch with reality, my pup will recognize the signs of my dissociation and nudge me out of it.  When I'm waiting in line and vertigo hits, my dog will know how to brace while I pull up on his special harness, acting as a counterbalance.  These are just a few among many, many ways that my service dog will be an invaluable asset to my daily life.  They will be so much more than a dog, they will be a medical device, they will be a companion, they will be my lifeline.

I've been working with a great service dog program that's only a couple hours away from me, and I have a rough estimate of bringing my pup home around this time next year.  I still have lots of paperwork to do and things to prepare, but there are a few things I can say for sure.  I am very excited and hopeful; it will be a huge life commitment; and it will cost several thousand dollars.  This is really a new chapter in my life and I am so very thankful for all the support I have already received.  If you are so inclined or able to help I would greatly appreciate a donation in any amount - no donation is too small to make a difference! I look forward to sharing all the exciting updates that are to come!