Our needs seem small

Maybe to some they seem small. On the other hand, some may wish our problems were the least of their worries.

This is my story. Not glamorous, or particularly terrible. Most days I feel I’m teetering on the edge of “pretty bad” but I just do what I can to make it another day and hopefully something comes my way.

If you’re still reading this, it’s mostly likely because I’ve struck some sort of cord with you. Maybe you feel the same way and are genuinely interested to know how MY “pretty bad” compares to yours.

So please read….and you decide.

My husband, my daughter and I live in Texas. None of originality from here, but here we are. But we are struggling. We all work full time jobs (even our 17 year old daughter) and still can not make ends meet. Food is low, bills are piling up and rent is behind.

Yet still feel like our needs seem small compared to what we are going through. You need a couple bucks to eat? We will gladly hand you some cash, or swipe a card. We sacrifice because someone else has sacrificed more and we may not know it. That’s the way I’ve always lived. And raised my daughter that way as well.

Are you still with me? Is anything resonating with you, or do you think…”wow this girl is crazy” Well if you’re still here…let’s go back….like way back.

Hey. I’m Beka…most days I’m numb, and worried, and overwhelmed, but smile…because I have to. I have to keep going. Because it hurts them to see me hurt…so I hurt behind my mask.

I grew up in the biggest city in Montana, being an only child, and stayed there until I was almost 40. My parents are from Montana as well. Money was tight from as far back as I can remember.

Birthday parties for me usually consisted of a few friends over to our house instead of going to Chuck-E-Cheese or roller skating like a lot of my friends would do. We just couldn’t afford it, and I really didn’t mind it either. Those party places were crazy anyway.

Family vacations I thought were fun, until I’d hear about my friends vacations and the flights they took, or the amusement parks they went to. Our family vacations included loading 2 plastic file cabinets into the back of my mom’s mini van, and stocking it with cooking essentials. Toaster, plates, napkins, condiments, bread…and whatever we needed. There was also a very large cooler as well. We rarely ate at restaurants on vacation. Lots of sandwiches and pop-tarts!

We rarely stayed in hotels, and air Bnb wasn’t a thing. We mostly stayed at KOA Kampgrounds in the cabins. They were cozy and there was almost always a fire pit to roast marshmallows.

No amusement parks, or fancy beaches…but really genuinely interesting places and cool sights….and cost very little…because we couldn’t afford it anyway but I still enjoyed it and cherish those memories.

So…how do we compare so far? Want to compare some more?

Got a job my Junior year of high school. Didn’t have much of a choice. Still despite all the time and managing money…we didn’t have a surplus of money to let me go to Taco Bell with my friends for lunch and get at least something because i wasn’t going to be “the kid that doesn’t eat because they don’t have any money.” All my friends got an allowance. I worked for my money. Worked at that same job for over 23 years! Then my senior year a I got a second job that I worked at for 25 years!. Working 2 jobs, going to school just to pay for things I need. Because my parents couldn’t afford them while they both worked full time jobs. No luxuries. Basic necessities.

How often would you eat with your friends, or go to the movies or an arcade?

After graduation I started to mess up. Drinking and smoking. Living in my grandma’s house (she was in assisted living) rent free, still working but barely making it. Eventually I became pregnant. But knew I wasn’t where I wanted to be and gave her up for adoption. We are still connected today, and she even calls me mom.

While I was pregnant I met my first husband while working in a call center with him. He supported my decision to let my daughter live a better life than we could give her. Eventually we married and had our daughter together. Circumstances caused us to be living in his family members basement. Both of us working with a baby and living paycheck to paycheck.

Within a year or two we scraped together enough to get a place. It wasn’t bad, but not great either. To maintain a roof over our heads, I turned to couponing and the clearance section to fulfill our basic needs. If it wasn’t on sale, it could wait, or we didn’t need it. There were never fancy toys or a huge wardrobe. We relied on hand-me-downs, gifts and garage sales. But our daughter grew up with the understanding of “the best and most expensive things don’t bring true peace.” You don’t need more than you need to have a good life. That’s all some people need…is a good life. And I’m not saying having lots of money necessarily means you have good life. Money causes stress in excess or absence.

Well, what do you think so far? Are you surprised that people truly live feeling like they are one step away from disaster? Maybe I’m opening your eyes to a world you didn’t realize existed because no one really talks about it. Let’s keep going.

My daughter’s dad and I eventually part ways. I meet a man at work and we move in together. Unfortunately neither one of us was financially sound but we both needed to get out our situations quickly. Dad and I agree on split custody, so my daughter had a schedule of days she would stay with us. Eventually we married. Money was always tight. I was still working both jobs and he seemed to always jump between jobs and never had any money left once rent came due, but had also never helped with any of the other bills either. Things got bad. Even less food that sits in my pantry today. And then a discovery changed things even more. I kicked him out. But now I’m a true single parent working two jobs, to maintain something that was originally intended as a two person job. I eventually became aware that I had been mentally and emotionally abused for much too long. And it was continuing as well. He’d show up at places he’d know I’d be and was seen driving by regularly. I did not feel comfortable anywhere.

One day a message pops up from an old friend who I worked with more than 10 years prior. We were friends even out side of work but he always had something about him that intrigued me. I think we knew there was always a tiny spark there but both were bound to another and a flame shouldn’t grow. He eventually invited me to Texas to visit. What did I have to lose? I had so little that this might be good for me. I made 3 trips to Texas that year. We picked up where we left off all those years prior. One day he suggests I should move…to Texas?! I’ve never lived in a different city my entire life and you want me to move across the country?! I finally said yes. I needed to get away from our small town where everyone knew everything. So we both worked hard to make it a possibility. I left Montana with my daughter, our cat, and him (he came to get me and bring me back) with an entire U-Haul full of (in retrospect) absolutely nothing. I didn’t have any real furniture to speak of but just “stuff” that I’d collected over the years. We moved into his one bedroom apartment with him and would find a bigger place soon. I transferred with one of my jobs so I wasn’t without employment.

But with every up…there’s a down. This down could hit a plateau anytime now…because I’m getting weary.

I thought…great…a new start…

But it wasn’t quite that. 2 weeks after moving my daughter had a medical episode at school which landed her in the hospital and scared me half to death. Within 2 months of moving we discover that someone had broken into the storage facility we were using and broke into multiple units, including mine. $7000 worth of property, gone. Insurance paid some but the thief was caught and ordered to pay restitution….out of that $7000, I’ve received $300. That was 4 years ago.

So now to find a bigger place….oh look…another roadblock. He’s a felon. Not drugs, alcohol, murder or SA. Just wrong friends. No one will rent to us and we are running out of time. Finally a coworker suggested we take over her lease as she’s a felon too and the landlord is private. We make the deal and move into what our current home is. Thankful the landlord will provide opportunities to people who are still good despite the badge society makes them wear.

A year or so goes by and the stress from his job starts to creep into our relationship and threaten to tear us apart. He recognizes it and removes himself from the job so that he can stop the damage that was started. No job is more important than family. Now again…I’m the sole breadwinner…for a bit. I manage to get him on at my job as it’s the same company we worked together at 13 years ago. But the wages are lower and there are no benefits, and he’s diabetic.

So now we are struggling again, we can’t get his meds, and bills are starting to pile up and food is scarce.

One missed paycheck can create a snowball effect. A priority choice was made, but you’re the one who suffers. When you pump gas, do you watch the amount? Or let it fill? There’s a difference that no one really pays attention to when you can always let it fill.

Business at my job slows to a crawl, so I seek out something to supplement. I find a great job and attempt to work them side by side to help ease the load. He also seeks out a second job. So now we are both working two jobs. Why is that even needed? Why can’t one job per person pay for basic necessities? We still struggle.

The new jobs go well, but our physical health takes a toll so we both go to the most profitable job. Even though the money is more we have gone so long that it hardly makes a dent in our outstanding bills.

We finally decide to take a family trip back to Montana. We saved and saved. But that vacation gets cut short. His health is spiraling out of control quickly and our pets have been left unattended despite having a pet sitter lined up. Now we have to spend all the vacation money to get back plus more that we had to borrow from my parents who still don’t have a lot of money. Neither of us could get back on the schedule so we sat at home for 2 weeks with no income. Bills still coming in.

Once we went back to work, he transferred locations and finally obtained health insurance…just in time too. Remember I said his health was spiraling…well then remember he’s diabetic too. His vision begins to deteriorate. We get him to a doctor to find hemorrhaging in both retinas. He’s also bleeding internally from some unknown source. Tests, procedures are performed but not without huge costs. Not to mention the high price of his insulin.

He can no longer drive independently so I am now tasked with driving him to work at 3 am after working until midnight most days. 100 miles a day is expensive in gas prices. Today the vision is better but not great. He can drive but is limited. But that doesn’t stop the bills already coming.

When my daughter’s dad and I were together we had a dog, who had a puppy. That puppy became my daughter’s childhood pet. She brought her back to Texas from Montana to live out her best days. She was 14 years old and was not treated well by my daughter’s dad. Likely abused. Unfortunately last week we had to make the ultimate decision to assist in guiding her over the Rainbow Bridge. I spent every dime of our rent money on her dog. Because that’s what parents are supposed to do. Anything for their kids.

Now, I have a whole $500 of a $2100 rent on the 3rd day of the month. So I sent that to the landlord with a note pleading to allow me another month of split payments as we’ve had to do for at least the last 6 months.

And now you know my story. But I can’t help to still think there are so many more people out there with bigger problems than me. But no one talks about it.

Living with less than the basic necessities and constantly cashing in change just for groceries can’t be the only way to live. Especially when we are trying.

A parent should be able to buy things for their children they need, not need to borrow money from them just to keep a roof over their head.

If any part of my story speaks to you, or resonates with you, please consider helping us get to a place we can breathe.

These are our bills.

Rent: $2100

Water: $125

Electric: $250

Car Note: $500

Cell Phones: $300

Insurance: $175

Total: $3350

This doesn’t include food, gas and other necessities.

Immediate goal: Get current on rent.

Next goal: Catch up on outstanding utilities.

Longer-term goal: Establish a small financial cushion so one unexpected expense doesn't send everything spiraling again.