Please bear with me as I have not yet come to terms with what I am going to share with you, most of whom are strangers and have never met myself nor anyone this will benefit. My Mother, Pamela Gail Johnson is Dying. She was given a Terminal Diagnosis 3 weeks ago and it's not fair! She's had one of the most incredibly painful, torturous, yet amazing life any 58 year old has ever had. I hope to one day put pen to paper and share with everyone who cares to know what made my Mother's short journey here on Earth mesmerizing. Unfortunately, I have not the time nor the mental fortitude to even start such a task at this time. I'll say this though, the top Kidney Surgeon in the Southeast United States told me three weeks ago that due to the accumulative damage caused by several undiagnosed “Mini-Strokes”, severe sepsis, and kidneys that could no longer function because each one was home to a stone the size of the Very cellphone in which I now am typing on. My Mother was going to die and because of Contractures in her legs and arms from being Bedridden for three years in a Nursing Home, Surgery was not an option. His best guess was that she would be gone in 18hrs if not sooner. Left with a choice no person can ever truly prepare themselves for, I made the decision as her eldest son, to make her comfortable and continue treating the infection with antibiotics until I could gather my 3 younger siblings and other family members to say their goodbyes. I acted in selfish desperation without the benefit of professional counsil or for that matter a good nights sleep. Had I known then what I know now, I would have spared my Mother the pain she has had to endure these past three weeks. I am selfish! Although I am grateful for the opportunity to tell her Everything I needed to, and her family and children did likewise, it wasn't for her benefit. It was for ours! The last thing I was able to say to her and get a coherent answer was “Mom, I am so very sorry that I have let you suffer the past couple of weeks! I hope you're not mad at me because I don't want to think that you're angry with me right now.” I was uncontrollably sobbing as I am on the verge of doing again and through my tears I saw her eyebrows furrow in a mix between thoughtfulness, pain, and if I'm absolutely honest, a little frustration. In a voice barely audible over the sounds of the various machines in her ICU room, I watched her lips as I heard her say “Not mad. Never mad. Love You and I think of you every day. Proud of my good boy.” Those are the last words I am ever going to hear my Mother say and on my own deathbed, I'll remember them. I only hope that I am able to forgive myself. Not looking great as of this writing, but if I learned anything from my little, powerful Mom, it's how to live with heartache and pain.

 I am being as honest as I can be, and probably more so than other members of my family are being at this time. We are woefully unprepared for the final leg of my mother's journey, not just emotionally (Selfish!!!), but Financially as well. Some things have been taken care of while others, not even contemplated. The facts are, that once we begin Hospice this coming Friday or Possibly Monday, My Mother who raised four of us despite being a victim of abuse the likes of which would disgust any human being with half a heart. When she finally built the courage and had the plan in place, we fled. Although I have since forgiven him, my father smiled and waved at me the day he planned on killing his entire family including me. I still have nightmares about that day and it's been almost 30 years ago. I became a man far too early and was put in many positions a child should never be in, but I survived as did my siblings. All because of the strength that emanated from my barely five foot tall mother! We did it with out help and we struggled more than most people should. It made us who we are today. Sure there's a little damage done. That's usually the case when your hauling precious things through turbulent seas. We're here. We're our Mothers children for better and worse and for the first time in my 40 years, I am in need of help! Please help me make my mother's last moments on Earth what she deserves. Filled with Peace. With Love. The Love of her Four Children, Three Grand Children. Surrounding her with the one thing that has seemed to elude her throughout her life, Comfort! 

Even if financially you're unable or even unwilling to help, PLEASE do me this one favor. PRAY! For Myself. My siblings. Those who Love My Mother. PRAY FOR PAMELA!