Where do I begin? Life has been extremely hard and difficult for me since my first memory. I have been through sexual abuse, watching a parents struggle with addiction, not wanted by my father, seeing my dad (step father) die from a gunshot wound falling on me and seeing the blood pour from his head with every beat. I can still here his screams like yesterday and it was 25 years ago. That was all at the age of 8. I quietly struggled within with hurt and anger never understanding why my mom always chose a man over me or all the family I did have or know could do for me because my sister's dad she needed it more. Why my Dad had a new family he loved and could do for me because my brothers needed him and I had my mom?  So since I could work I have been on my own. I started drinking pretty much daily from the age of 17/18 to hide the pain and cope. I managed to finish school and work full time for rent and all my other bills. At 20 the only positive thing I can think of in my life is my husband and I got together. At 22 I finally was diagnosed with ptsd anxiety, major depresson disorder, and little later bipolar I. I didn't take the medicine correctly and it made things worse with the drinking and depression. I hid it well for a long time maintained professionally and emotionally. Things were good for a few years we made good money and started making adult purchases and all that good stuff, but when my husband started his career as LEO I was not strong enough to handle it. The stress and worry of losing the only person who cared about me was too much as he started to push away from me due to work stress and my drinking got worse making it 10 times harder for him. 

During the course of six years it I quit a couple jobs (fired from one) due to drinking and my mental health issues. I would pull myself together and start a new job because I had to I made more than my husband, plus it's just my nature I have always had to do for myself or no one else would. The last time I was out of work for almost 10 months couldn't get out of bed didn't leave the house. I somehow managed to pull it together and start again but I did not know not realize how far behind it put us financially and my husband did not tell me because he wanted me to focus on getting better. He knew I would break again if I knew what I had caused. So he handled all the bills etc. all I did was work and come home and drink. He finally helped me slow down on my drinking he would literally portion it for me. Sad I know but it's true and this made me realize that I didn't want to drink anymore so I tried to stop. Didn't want to admit it for a while so I would try and hide when I would drink because if I didn't drink I would be physically sick. So I finally admitted to my husband I didn't want to drink anymore but had to and that was hard to admit. Finally I got to the point where I was not dependant on alcohol anymore but during time we slowly started losing things because we just could not catch up from student loans, house, cars, his hospital stays being injured at work, surgeries, and so on we could no recoupe from initially get behind because of my demons. We both lost our jobs. Finally the last straw was in 2018 we lost our house we had no one willing to help us and lost everything but what we could pack in a car. It was devastating forget the house and belongings having no important keepsakes and having to give our dogs was devastating. Had them 14 years our world, we don't have any children. Something we both really want and never prevented but it has just never happened so that broke us both. We had no money and no where to go. My mother let us come there after realizing we were homeless. We didn't want to ask anyone for anything and have both always had to do for ourselves and what little bit of people we did have in our life we helped. She is still with the man the reason I left home at 16 and had sexually touched me in my adult life a couple years earlier after being electrucuted at work and was heavily medicated to try and stop the shaking. Was supposed to make sure I was ok while my husband was working. Anyway we found a place all we needed was a little over a week and he told us we had to leave on our anniversary.  He was very jealous my husband and me and even got mad that my husband would help my mom around the house and conversate. Well after paying for a hotel room every night we no longer had the money to move into our place. I started drinking again not near as bad but reverting back to the way I knew how to cope. We worked and stayed in hotels for months. My granddad passed away and I received $1500 found a place was there for a month and 15 days before we had to leave. Of course our luck a crook and landlord who had friends in the town had us evicted saying he didn't receive the rent check. So back on the street again. I was allowed to stay a my mom's house but he was not. After not being able to afford rooms all the time and working and sleeping in the car he wanted me to stay there he thought it was best for me but he for some reason was not even allowed to come to their house and wish I never did! It hurt me bad I started to drink heavily maybe the most I ever had ever. By this time it's first of January 2020.  A year and a half after losing everything I ended up in the hospital. My alcoholic (oh yea did I mention that earlier? Made my struggle that much harder) mother drove me to emergency room door and dropped me off I thought I had the flu been feeling bad for two months and I could barely walk had no energy. Last thing I remember was checking in and them putting the blood pressure cuff on me. Glady I had got in touch with my husband and he was there but by the time he got there I was already in CCU it happened quick.  Two week later I start to remember again. I had acute respiratory Failure w hypoxia, pneumonia, sepsis, anemia,  pleural effusion, and some liver condition I don't remember the exact name off hand but from drinking. I also suffered from alcohol withdrawal but haven't had a drink since! Almost a year now longest time ever my whole life. Anyway it was terrible I was on a ventilator, had to be given blood bc my blood had no oxygen in it I was dying. Had x-rays everyday, needles stuck in my lungs and back trying to remove fluid.  Infection had reached every part of my body blood included. I could not move catheter quit working so Iwould have to use the bathroom on myself.  Husband was told to ca in any family that wanted to see me. No one came besides my mom and my sister came once for maybe 10mins. Needless to say I was told I would not be able to leave without in patient physical therapy. I could not do anything on my own. Well that came to an end when the bill got so high and fever broke for a day and they said I was being discharged when asked about therapy I was told it would have to come out of pocket. So crazy to me I could not even walk on my own. I had to call and ask my mom to come and get me. Fought hard and after a month I was able to walk again but still weak and my mom's husband kicked me out because I walked down the road to see my husband who was not allowed there. It was terrible there is no reason at all for either of us to be treated that way by anyone let alone our family. I could understand if we of us had wronged anyone but that is not the case I assure you. So hotels and renting cars to work need money daily so we can get a room is a vicious cycle can never save anything.  Finally a friend from high school contacts me and let's us come stay with her. Little did I know her and her  boyfriend both have alcohol and drug addiction. Well after a month of working all we could and just sleeping here trying to save to get a place her boyfriend comes in messed up out of his mind and tries to stab my husband. So he is gone and all we had was given to her for bills over two months. She hasn't worked in a year but her family supports her so we had no idea she did not pay anything with the money given from us and them. She wasted over 10grand on what I do not know hasn't paid rent in two months and her lease is up Jan 9th. Once again we have no where to go and I am terrified. Just found out my disability got denied we are not making enough to rent a car muchless hotel room. Covid really messed up our gig work and with it being cold all my complications from being sick are worsening. Raynaud's is so bad my hands and feet are numb most of the time. Tired, dizziness, and feeling foggy a lot but can't sleep well if that makes sense. My hair is finally growing back it fell out rapidly within two months of being out of the hospital and I have my husband but I am losing hope and don't know what to do. I believe she is going to a family members or something and I hope she gets the help she needs. I have still managed to not drink and I lived but for what to go through more hell? We need transportation, a place to stay, and have no money. Dr bills are hundreds of thousands I lost count and they don't have this address but 29 x-ray bills have hit collections and my credit was already damaged so not sure someone would rent to us anyway. I am so scared and with raynaud's and circulation issues I don't know if I can survive the cold. Thank you for listening I know it's a lot so anything is appreciated. If there is anyone out there that can spare and help us it would be greatly appreciated, after almost dying I have let go of all the anger and pain and just want to live a simple and happy life. I feel I deserve that as well as my husband who has stood be me through the worst thought poss